Depression question

[nancylebov]

I think I'm seeing a pattern of knocking my mood down when I start to feel better, and I welcome advice from anyone who's had experience with dealing with the problem.

I'm interested in comments from people who haven't had the problem or are still in the middle of it, but please let me know which category you're in.

Comments

[crazysoph.livejournal.com]

Semi-ex depression sufferer (as in, as long as I'm medicated, I'm fine, but I retain vivid memories of some of my worst episodes and triggers).

My own mental dynamic, that I feel resonates with the description you give, is, "Uh oh, I'm feeling better? That must mean I will have to become More Responsible (for the groceries, household jobs, you name it - small stuff of daily life) and I don't feel ready for that quite yet." Sometimes, I listen to that, and decide that, okay, I might be feeling better, but it's okay to not immediately achieve superwoman status, because better mood does not equal actual resources of energy to accomplish things. Or I try to "give myself permission" (yeah, sorry for the psycho-speak jargon) to just enjoy feeling a little bit better, without burdening the mood with the obligation to prove itself worthy, by generating all kinds of external and approvable results.

Of course, I don't know if your knocking our mood down has anything to do with this fear of failing to meet expectations, your own or someone else's. But it's been a somewhat more helpful analysis (for me) than the more typically offered one, of being trapped in a self-identity of depressed, leading to viewing of mood-improvements as threat to that identity. That just smacked too much of blame the victim.

Crazy(and wishing you support, whatever the origin of your own difficulties)Soph

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm sure that's a lot of the process.

I'm not sure how much of the motivation is growing up in a home where being unhappy was the default state and how much is feeling that if I get better, I ought be getting everything right immediately.

[goodbyemyboy.livejournal.com]

My depression has been lurking beneath the surface for a long while but kind of broke after my experience in an abusive relationship; the problem that I have is that when I start to feel better, it's immediately followed by the feeling that if I'm getting over what happened, it must not have been that bad, I must be exaggerating things, I must be misremembering, it must really be my fault... etc. The "solution" I've been working with so far is to keep journals of my thoughts and my remembered experiences and read back through them whenever I start to doubt my memories. I don't know what your situation is, though, so I don't know if that kind of thing would help.

[chomiji]

I definitely have times when I haven't freaked out about something-or-other recently, so I start thinking about whatever-it-is on purpose, to see whether it still upsets me ... counterproductive, to say the least. It reminds me of the urge to poke at a scab.

Regarding the issue of being reluctant to give up depression as a way to hide from things: I'm having a similar problem with an actual physical illness for which I was just given a short-term all-clear: my current reaction includes "Well, shoot, there goes that excuse!"

:-\

[nosebeepbear.livejournal.com]

feeling that if I get better, I ought be getting everything right immediately.

This is a problem I have. Often in the form of "OMG, all this stuff piled up while I couldn't cope and now that I can care about it I have to get it done RIGHT NOW." I have to remember to fight that or it will push me back under fast. I'm in that stage as we speak.