On defusing self-hatred

[nancylebov]

Self-hatred is something I've had a bad problem with, but it's considerably weaker than it used to be.

I believe that what's going on is better described as one part of the self hating another part of the self, with one's consciousness identifying the hateful part as the real self, or possibly being suckered by the intensity and self-assurance of the hatred.

A big piece of healing is realizing that the you're a larger system than the self-denigrating monologue. [1] I've pretty much worked with being more aware of my sensory and emotional experience which eventually led to realizing that what's being hurt by self-hatred is *me*, not some obvious blight on the universe, backed up with getting more affection into my life (friends, cats, a very good therapist[2]). I'm not sure how I figured out that accepting affection is a makable choice.

Realizing that the self-hatred's standards aren't reasonable is part of the process, but that's complexly entangled with realizing that it's ok to be a human being and to not like being hated.

[1] A lot of my consciousness consists of my internal voice. I realize this isn't the only way internal experience can go, and I expect some people do most or all of their self-hatred with pictures or in modes which are harder to define.

[2] Jim Brann, 215-830-8460. He does phone sessions as well as in-person sessions.

Comments

[bruceb.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, "A big piece of healing is realizing that the you're a larger system than the self-denigrating monologue." has been precisely my experience too. I'm training myself to think, "But that's just one part of the picture even if it were all true."

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Did you need to do anything to get to the point where thinking that way was emotionally possible, or was it easy and obvious once you thought of it?

[bruceb.livejournal.com]

There are times when it doesn't feel emotionally possible even yet; I practice persistence, and gradually it gets more reliably feasible, but it's hard.

[solri.livejournal.com]

I believe that what's going on is better described as one part of the self hating another part of the self, with one's consciousness identifying the hateful part as the real self, or possibly being suckered by the intensity and self-assurance of the hatred.

That's a good way of putting it. I'm not sure that the self really has parts, but it seems to behave that way sometimes. I think it's logically impossible to hate yourself or love yourself, but you've identified how this illusion works.

[zenlizard]

Yay for progress!

[kressel.livejournal.com]

I totally relate. The worst is seeing my son reflect the same self-hatred toward himself.

[firecat]

That's a useful description of the self-hatred conversation. Thanks! I'm glad things are getting better for you.