Unsolicited Advice

[nancylebov]

I've seen a meme about how half of people see unsolicited advice as criticism, and I'm going to give some unsolicited advice on the subject.

I've felt the drive to give unsolicited advice, and I've been irritated by unsolicited advice.
I may have seen unsolicited advice as annoying, but more like redundant or wrong more than as criticism.

I suspect that a lot of people who see unsolicited advice as criticism have spent time in an environment where it actually was criticism. It may well be a mild sort of dominance behavior.

But, if you have a drive to give unsolicited advice, here's some advice on how to mostly not be a plague with in it.

Check to see whether the advice you want to give has already been given. Reading the comments to see whether you're being redundant is a matter of courtesy.

Admit you're playing out your own compulsion. Not just "I felt I had to say", but "I'm being compulsive here".

Admit that you don't know all the facts about the situation. This is true, and you might even come to believe it.

Say "For future reference" to make sure you don't sound like you expect people to hop in a time machine and prevent their current situation from having happened.

This is from a facebook post.

https://www.facebook.com/nancy.lebovitz/posts/pfbid031D2jsPP4CsqH9oC9ez2pcqH8xvmpLmxPCkhe2ovfJXu5p6bbpbdTSZCcTcFk7jnfl

Comments

[noelfigart]

Yeah, I've seen that and have Thoughts about it, too.

As someone who LOVES to give advice, I feel like I am coming from a "Let me chew on this juicy problem that doesn't have any emotional investment or shame on my part" and that ain't exactly dandy, either. I would do better to play puzzle video games, as it gets me the serotonin without being a dick to people I care about. I try very hard to rein that back with occasional success.

I have some friends who will directly SAY they don't want input and oh MAN, do I love that. It makes it EASY.

[cmcmck]

As someone who had to deal with teh tranz, I got a shedload of unsolicited advice back in the day.

Some was quite useful (usually coming from people with similar experiences) the rest- not!

[madfilkentist]

Unsolicited advice can come across as "I'm smarter than you are." Possibly it can be defused with qualifications like "This is what I've found in my experience."

[calimac]

Phrasing and context helps. If it's a comment to a post, context is supplied. But if you're, e.g. writing an e-mail, begin by saying what you read and how you reacted to it, so that your advice doesn't seem to its recipient as if it's come out of the blue.

[marycatelli]

Or not so mild dominance behavior.

I know of a mother whose advice was so inconsistent that she could not actually have meant it as advice, and whose reaction to a daughter's saying, "I did that already," was always displeasure -- and sometimes rage, barely sublimated (after a moment) into manufacturing lies to come with a new piece of advice to give, frequently incompatible to the original advice.