Hugging and such from behind

[nancylebov]

shadesong just posted rather emphatically about why people should not attempt to massage her without checking first, and this includes not massaging her while hugging.

This reminded me of how much I dislike being hugged from behind. I really prefer knowing who it is first.

These years, I could probably pull my act together to pull away or say I don't like it, but in the past, there've been a lot of times when I didn't have the mental bandwidth or other resource to be clear on the subject.

So, how do you feel about being hugged or massaged by someone you didn't see before they started? Do you give a general permission to some people but dislike it if there's no prior permission?

Comments

[supergee.livejournal.com]

But enough about George Bush.

[supergee.livejournal.com]

If we're going to have a president with the social skills of an sf geek, he should be as smart as an sf geek.

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

I hate being blindsided in general, though I tend to recover tolerably fast if the person announces hirself promptly. "Guess who" is Right Out. (I feel badly about this; I know it's a result of being more closed and guarded than I would like to be. Nevertheless, it's how I am, and acknowledging reality doesn't preclude efforts to revise it.)

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

Interesting. My feeling is that I could resolve every issue (and they're serious) I've got about intimacy, and I'd still feel just fine about detesting "Guess Who?".

The only thing I can think of which would make "Guess Who?" tolerable would be if my attentiveness and memory improved enough that I'd know who it was by touch and/or smell before they asked. At this point, "Guess Who?" is a combination of unwelcome touch and a pop quiz I haven't studied for.

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

Some of my self-issues have to do with feeling really shut off from people (as a result of walling off my own feelings); I'm probably overthinking this, especially where being surprised is concerned. Part of it also results from "Guess Who" usually being done by someone whom I'd expect to be closer with; someone who'd expect me to know (usually) her by some combination of touch, smell, and voice. Even so, as with many other posters, I react very defensively to such surprises.

[gildedacorn.livejournal.com]

I don't like it, but there are some people who get "retroactive permission."

If you don't know that you are one of those people, you almost certainly aren't.

[thette.livejournal.com]

I'm that way about people touching my face. It can be OK, if I know you and I keep eye contact all along, but even best friends and partners can get screams if they surprise me.

[dr-zrfq.livejournal.com]

I'm easily startled, so if I don't know you're there before you start the hug or massage, I'm not happy about it. That doesn't mean I have to *see* the person; if someone *whom I know* announces their presence audibly, that's okay.

[redbird]

There are a very few people who could do that and I wouldn't mind. One of the things they have in common is that I'll know who they are as soon as they touch me, whether or not I see them. They don't count as surprising me, except in the sense that it would be a surprise if you walked into this room now and said "Hi, Vicki" from 10 feet away.

Massage is trickier than hugs, because even if I know you, it's possible that this is a bad time for that, or that the specific part you're massaging is iffy. Then again, I'm particular about massage--done right, it's a very good thing. Done wrong, it can be actively harmful. To be done right, the person doing the massage needs information they won't have if we haven't discussed the matter previously.

[cellio]

There are a very few people who could do that and I wouldn't mind. One of the things they have in common is that I'll know who they are as soon as they touch me, whether or not I see them. They don't count as surprising me, except in the sense that it would be a surprise if you walked into this room now and said "Hi, Vicki" from 10 feet away.

Ditto.

[tashadandelion.livejournal.com]

Is there anyone who outright welcomes uncouth behavior like that? Or, should we just file "hugging from behind without warning" with "commenting on someone's marked weight gain", "touching a woman's pregnant belly without permission", and "ignoring the standing old lady on the bus when you have a seat you could offer"?

[osewalrus.livejournal.com]

I live with it with Aaron and Becky.

Otherwise, folks who gra me from behind take their chances. Sorry. Got too many paranoia reflexes. Yesterday they saved me from serious dogbite. In the past they have saved me from getting attacked from behind.

They stay.

[llennhoff.livejournal.com]

From behind? Good lord. Living in an Orthodox Jewish community, I'm not used to having physical contact beyond handshakes in non-intimate situations. No one has ever tried to shake my hand from behind, to the best of my recollection.

Even before adapting to Orthodox practice, I'd never hug anyone from behind, only from in front. I suspect if someone did it to me today and were not instantly recognizable I'd instinctively try to break the hug.

Perhaps it is my training.

[wolfdancer.livejournal.com]

But unless it is a well know friend, I ask beforoe touchinng or massaging.
I most of the time ask about huging.
I had one bad incounter when I asked to hugs some one that was sitting, huged them from behinnd, and even tho they knew that I was going to hugs them, they reacted badly,

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I very much dislike being startled, but that applies to any form of sudden unexpected approach, whether including touch or not. Hugging or massaging is no different from any other approach--if it startles me, I won't like it no matter who does it; if it doesn't, it depends on who's doing it.

[chaosdancer.livejournal.com]

Hugged unexpectedly from behind = most emphatic DO NOT WANT. I'm afraid I hurt someone's feelings here on campus right before final exams, because she came up behind me and gave me a hug, and the only person here with whom I'm even on a hugging basis had been messing with my boundaries in a bad way a lot lately, and I thought it was him, and I jumped and pushed her away before I realized it was her. I apologized profusely and blamed the scary book I had been reading, because she really is a sweetheart and meant no harm. But generally speaking in a room full of strangers where it could be anyone, I want to know who it is first.

At home or in a situation where there are only a few people present and I know every possible hugger, then I don't mind at all. I love those little signs of affection among people I know and trust.

[thaedeus.livejournal.com]

Well, I'll be the exception then. I like it.

But then no one I would not want to do it, has
ever tried. Having said that, I'm a guy, and
the only ones who have done it have been close
[female] friends. And I am very tactile.

There is a chance I would flinch I imagine. It depends
on the hands. And there is little chance that any attempt
at "massage" would hurt me (no back problems).
[unless it was a kidney punch I guess]

Massage and touch in general

[anniemal.livejournal.com]

As a professional massage therapist in a former life, and a jumpy sort, I never surprise people in any way I can avoid. I never enter rooms without announcing myself first if I think my presence might startle someone, and I NEVER put my hands on anyone without stating my intention and getting their permission. It's a bit formal, I know, but I'd rather be careful of others' feelings than misunderstood as rude. I do grab and hug my friends who grab and hug me. But never unannounced. We usually squeal delightedly first.

THEN I say "Oh, hon, your X______muscle is so tight. Shall I work on it a bit?".