People are very strange

[nancylebov]

For reasons which will become obvious, I'm going to describe something seen on my friends list rather than quoting with attribution.

Someone adjusted their profile on a matchup service to say "single, not looking, not interested, and not available". And started getting introductory contacts every day instead of every few months.

Two of the four comments recounted similar experiences.

This isn't just "the subconscious doesn't understand negation". This is "the subconscious thinks negation is a flashing neon sign that says 'Here's the good stuff'".

Any theories about what's going on?

Comments

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Perception of value.

If you want people to value things, make sure they're rare. If you want people to value your service, charge lots of money for it. Free things are valueless things.

A person who's available is free. And therefore valueless. A person who's not available is not free, and therefore valuable. That which is easy to get is not worth getting.

[anton-p-nym.livejournal.com]

Here's a different angle on the same problem.

The Escapist Magazine just published news of a small Dutch study of children 7-17 (http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/7.92067) showing that desire for a game scales directly with the suggested age restriction. An M/18+ rating made a fictional game's description much more desirable to youths than a similar game with a T/13+^* rating and description.

I suspect a similar mechanism drives this.

-- Steve wonders how culturally universal the game of "keep away" is.
^* I'm not familiar enough with the PEGI system of ratings to know its exact age brackets, and foolishly didn't think to look it up before drafing this. Bear with me, please, if I'm off a bit.

[crystalpyramid]

Does it work for both genders?

[tashadandelion.livejournal.com]

Just curious -- is the person attracting men or women? My bet is on men, but that's the old-fashioned sexist in me who believes different things are generally attractive depending on what sex you are. If it's women, that sure is interesting! In such a case, it could be that women feel more comfortable trying to at least befriend a person who isn't actively searching the internet for dates -- like it gives them social breathing room. If it's men, it's probably the challenge of The Chase.

[selenite.livejournal.com]

As a guess, guys thinking "There'll be less competition, here's my chance!"

[malkingrey.livejournal.com]

Perceived neediness is not attractive?

(My mom reported experiencing a similar phenomenon back in the 1940s -- nobody seemed interested in her at all until the point when she decided the heck with it, she didn't need a beau, at which point she had more offers than she wanted.)

[bradhicks.livejournal.com]

You got in before I did. I was going to reply with three words: "Desperation. Isn't. Pretty." Someone who announces to the world that they're single and looking conveys the message (true or not) that they're desperate for a date. Someone who announces to the world that they're single but not looking conveys the message that they're available to date, but not needy.

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

That's reasonable for "single and not looking". I don't think it makes sense for "single, not looking, and not available".

[redbird]

There are people out there who either don't believe that anyone can really be satisfied if single, or (slightly more reasonable) don't believe that anyone who was actually satisfied being single would be on such a service.

That produces reactions like "yes, she has high standards, but I'm good, so she'll go out with me and I'll show her that single isn't all it's cracked up to be" and "she's just trying to turn away the riff-raff."

I also wonder whether your friend is hearing from people who read "not looking and not available" as "not looking for a relationship, but willing to be seduced for a night" rather than as "not looking for lovers, long-term or one-night."

might be

[wolfdancer.livejournal.com]

The whole I am "Gay" and not avalable.. so it is a Chalange.
Give me a call about lunacon btw asap.
Diana

[avram]

Wait, why post on a matchup service that one is not interested in matchups?

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

There might be conversation and games and such available at the service, or one might wish to keep one's account active (but accurate) in case one changes one's mind.

[osewalrus.livejournal.com]

See, that's what I thought. How seriously can you take "not even vaguely interested" if you are posting on a matchup service?

It's like claiming I visit porn sites to test the privacy policy.

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

I have accounts on dating sites strictly to play with the quizzes.

[avram]

We used to call it "Reading Playboy for the articles."

[enegim.livejournal.com]

No theory, but another anecdote:

Some years back, there was a posting in a local-area Usenet group from a German who said that he would be traveling to my area on business for a week or so and was looking for companionship. Very specifically, he stated that he was happily married and not looking for any romantic/sexual arrangements, but only somebody to hang out with in the evenings after business was done, perhaps to show him the area, try out local restaurants, etc.

I wrote to him, likewise saying that I was not available for anything sexual but could show him around. He came to town; we had a very pleasant evening with dinner and coffee, and he told me about his wife and family--including her need to be reassured of his fidelity each time he travelled; he asked to see me again the next day.

And--you guessed it--after dinner the next day he propositioned me. I was honestly startled: why had he specified that those were NOT his intentions? Well, he said, that was what he did every time he travelled to the States, and he had found that specifying this got him the best results, every time.

*sigh* I had actually been attracted to him, up to that point; if he'd been single, or if I'd had reason to believe he was in a genuine and honest open relationship, I might well have slept with him. As it was...ugh.

I'm still bewildered by all the women who (if he wasn't lying about this too) answered his ad and then did...

[cathyr19355.livejournal.com]

xiphias has a good point. I think there's also a challenge aspect to it. That is, it's tougher to attract somebody who claims they're not interested, so it's more fun to try.

[zhai.livejournal.com]

Hi there. :)

Quite funny that I'd come in and take a look at your journal (thanks for the add, by the way :) ) right after having gotten back from He's Just Not That Into You, a movie entirely about dating and flirting based on a book I quite liked also about the same, and also a movie I wouldn't ordinarily have gone out to see. Serendipity.

People do want what they can't have. It's the human condition. But I think there is a bit of survivalist intelligence there on a purely biological level -- we're driven to compete, and to reach for goals. Some people are highly motivated by being told that something is unreachable. It is the source of creative lifestyles, unrequited love, and punk rock.